Going too slow.

Well it's all going way too slow at the moment. I'm counting down the days when I'm not sat in my bedroom on my own all weekend. I find it quite weird though that if I were here on my own and had free range of the house I wouldn't feel so sad. But I'm trying to push through and not moan about it too much.

The end of half term is upon us and back to work tomorrow :-) I have enjoyed the holidays til well about Thursday. Spent the first 5 days catching up with friends and getting to know some new ones. Also got to spend the day with Charlie, he's growing so fast and now starting to speak, of course you cannot tell what he is saying lol but it's the cutest thing when he tries to copy what you say. 

Managed to make a start getting a few bits and pieces ready to start moving into my own place, I've still got 2 months at least and haven't even found anywhere yet but wanted to make a start and keep an eye for some good bargains :-) It's all too exciting. Spent some time listing my worldly goods on ebay to try and make a few quid, I'm hoping that and a few extra paid hours at work will fund any fees or deposits I need to make in the near future.

I'm also thinking of a dear family member who is unwell at the moment, (this is where I get all god like lol damn brainwashing lol ) keeping him in my thoughts and prayers that everything is ok for him. 

Fate

Let's start on a positive note by saying that right now I could not be happier with things right now, which I don't think I've actually said for the last 6 months.

A month ago I found myself feeling in such a way that I couldn't carry on much longer, I was down and felt like I was depressed. Friends had cancelled plans on me and found myself facing 3/4 days on my own (which if you think of spending that amount of time going nowhere and seeing noone it's not very nice) I then made a trip to Derby which I suppose has changed my life (and in some ways those cancelled plans was meant to happen)

I made a decision to apply for teaching positions in the Derby area and if successful I would to the area to be with friends. To begin with I was only going to move if I was successful at application but as time went on I knew I couldn't face any longer than the next few months of being at home. The only thing for me here is family and my job, my job can be changed and my family will always be there wherever I am. So I then played with the idea of moving to the Derby area even if unsuccessful at application and would do supply work (even though it wasn't my most favoured idea) Then I was luckily invited to 3 interviews and amazingly I was successful on my 3rd application, even though I felt the interview didn't go as well as the others. I have suffered many knock backs over the years and to be honest I still find it hard to believe someone has picked me to work at their school (my previous school positions I was never interviewed for) hearing the words 'we were really impressed' I actually thought 'me really? are you sure?' I don't often receive many positive comments about myself, which is probably the reason for my lack of hope and confidence I have.

So now after being offered a permanent position I can make the move comfortably and can feel safe with a steady income. I cannot tell you how excited I am, my lack of sleep this week has showed this.

Finally, I made the decision not to tell a lot of people about what I was doing, those who needed to know for whatever reason were told. I've made the mistake in the past of telling everyone, knowing I had to deal with telling them all I had been unsuccessful. I then felt I didn't want to jinx any of what I was doing. 

And on one last note, thought I would get all this down in a blog as I've backed off from people talking about it as I'm sure they are sick of hearing all about it! Roll on early July where I have a jam packed schedule and the final 6/7 weeks will fly by, it can't come soon enough.

Anxiety

My anxiety seems to be getting worse these days, I wish I could stop it. No matter what goes on I seem to constantly think and panic about it. I was having a good day today until someone came to me with some good news (similiar news that I am waiting on too) and since then it's been back again.

I'm also finding that I'm trying to tell some people how I feel but they don't really seem to understand or get that how I am feeling is worse than what they're thinking! When you just want to talk to someone about it but they're just not getting it no matter what you say.

I'm so focused on what I want right now that I'm afraid of failing. I have to accept that what will be will be, but I can't help but feeling that this isn't enough!

Going to find the effort to drag myself away from the computer, it's actually my life right.

Apologies to all those who are sick of me moaning ;-) I don't feel sad just all over the place.

What difference a day makes...

And it sure does! Had such an awful start to the weekend and was feeling very upset in my last blog. But from then I had an ok saturday just pottering around the house although still found myself somewhat bored. This weekend will no doubt be identical as Mom and Dad are away again, luckily they're leaving Benji here so shall be living it up with him this weekend! ;-)

Sunday I spent the day in Derby. Visited a lovely health club where we made use of free facilities for the day, a lovely outside swimming pool, felt like I was a million miles away. After a bit of milling around and debating on a random trip to see our latest favourites ;-) went for a lovely sunday lunch with two special people...i'm sure they will LOL if they read this!

Since Sunday I have contemplated making a drastic change in my life, for now I will not say what this is in case it doesn't all happen for me. If it does I believe it will be the best and biggest change I could ever make. Watch this space....is all I will say.

For now we have a day at work tomorrow, luckily it's own clothes day (never feels like a real day then) and then it's back to four days off. It'll all be relatively quiet but have a few bits to do.

Changing just like that

It's amazing how one thing can change your emotions just like that, within a split second. Gone from crazily crying to be happy back to feeling unhappy again in about 16 hours.

I can't even describe how I'm feeling at the moment, totally fed up and not enjoying my own company. I used to be able to spend a whole weekend like this pottering around the house doing whatever now I'm sat at my computer not knowing what to do with myself until bedtime. There's no need for me to go out, there's noone to go and see, I've no doggy to go and walk, there's nothing to do around the house that would take more than 30 minutes to do until I'm back to square one. Doesn't help today that I got up and dressed quickly as our neighbour is doing something to our driveway so had to at least be dressed and looked half decent. Now the morning is on go slow. Wanted to go for a walk to kill a few hours but as I walked so far yesterday my shoes are hurting me (whichever pair I wear)

Tonight I was meant to meeting up with those who I'm going on holiday with, I can't even call them friends as I don't even know them much. Met them like twice? (apart from 1 who I've known and worked with for years) been hanging on all week for a decision about us meeting and then find out for definate this morning after many messages that it's not happening. Ok for them they've got their lives to lead what does it matter? Now trying to arrange another time to meet up, god knows when that will happen as plans are always changing left, right and centre. (3 lots of plans this holiday but only 1 happened with all of us) It annoys me as I never cancel on plans I make (once when I was unwell), it's always everyone else. I understand that things happen but to be honest it seems all the time at the moment.  But again it makes no difference to them but to me it does, just leaves me sat at home on my own.

Work is back in on Wednesday but even that doesn't fill me with excitement at the moment, but at least i'm out the house and get to see some of my friends and they can't cancel on me, probably why I enjoy it so much. I have some planning that needs doing, maybe I could do that? I really haven't got the enthusiasm for it.

Best get on with doing nothing and try and get this bitterness out of me. Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine and their day.

Laters.

Thursday

So a week on from when I decided to give myself a kick up the backside slimming world wise and a it's a week done good. Even with drinking lots on saturday night and eating pizza and doughballs at pizza express on Tuesday the scales showed a 1lb off this morning. Slowly going in the right direction. Only 10lb to go for my first mini target.

Still feeling so slightly down about things, I'm ready to get back into the routine of things with work etc. Can't wait to skip these next few days where I'm gonna be home alone from friday to monday, where i'm just sorting out my planning and job application forms. Hate that I can't really make any plans with anyone where it's not gonna cost me £££ to get there or do something. Supposed to have plans on saturday but that's not looking possible and having to wait to hear about it :-/ Moaning about it a lot on twitter really helps in some ways but if i had to read my tweets I'd be sick of reading the same things by now. I often feel it's good just to get it out there or a way of letting people know without actually have to admit it if that makes sense?

Anyways not much else to report, managaed to get a few bits and bobs for holidays on Tuesday when I went to Manchester. 2.5 hours in Primark pretty much killed me lol. Was also able to look after Charlie these last few days, he's growing up so fast and seeing his little face makes me very happy.

x

A long while!

So it's been 2 months since I've last done one of these. A lot has happened since I last blogged, most of which I won't go into. In honesty it was toughest thing that I have ever gone through and at times I was very much at breaking point and felt like I was at the lowest point in my life. Luckily I had family and 1 or 2 others who really helped me through it.

Slimming World has been going ok, I now stick to it as I enjoy the way the plan works. Eating healthy. If I can lose a few lbs in the process then jobs a good un.

Right now I am on my Easter holidays. Now usually I don't enjoy the holidays that we get, I find myself sat on my own doing sod all being very lonely. I have found until yesterday that I was enjoying my time off but for the last 24 hours I have not been able to shake off this feeling of just wanting to burst in to tears, part of me can't work out why I'm feeling this way but I am really hoping it will pass as I shouldn't spend my life feeling this down. I have tried thinking of all the things that should make me happy but it's not controlling my wanting to break down and cry'

Well hopefully I can update this more, even if noone is reading this, in part it helps me to air how I feel.

Goodbye for now.

Weekend is here :-)

So the weekend is here and I'm quite looking forward to a lazy weekend.
On Wednesday I didn't continue my diary as I went a little over. It amazes me, I lose slight control of what I'm eating and that's it. I only had a mars bar which was within syns and that's it I couldn't manage it. It's as if panic and don't know what to do as I've gone off plan so to speak.
Went out for drinks last night, could have been meal but I used the excuse that we were meeting late that I didn't want to eat, which in part was true but also because I knew I couldn't keep to plan if I knew we were eating out.
Started again yesterday with a good day, low in syns, part because of a possible impromtu day out tomorrow but also to make up for Wednesday. Today has been a good day too, only 2/3 syns had so far and since I won't be out for the day tomorrow I have a few extra to use up tomorrow at home. Going to be making some quiches recommended from http://www.minimins.co.uk/ Got my ingredients today so all set to go tomorrow.
Also decided to start making a list of meals to eat throughout the week so I have a shopping list to give my mom. Finding that I'm needing certain things and I have to go and buy them. Spending so much really.


Anyways a brief update on my diary for the last 2 days then it's off for some TV tonight. Got a couple of films to watch with an actor I've a bit of an obsession with at the moment hehe


Green days


Thursday:
B: 28g bran flakes, 100ml ss milk and a banana
S: apple and pineapple
L: jacket, LF cottage cheese and baked beans, mullerlight
S: hot chocolate (2syns) pudding rice with half a Ww yoghurt!
T: guess you could call it cottage pie? extra lean minced beef (1HEb) carrots, sweetcorn, swede, brocolli, baked beans, passata topped with mash potato. small yoghurt
S: banana, LF nat yoghurt, left over pudding rice.


(3 syns inc 1 syn from a drink)


Friday
B: apple, pineapple, LF nat yoghurt
S: muller yoghurt
L: left over tea from last night inc (1HEb) and a shape yoghurt
S: biscuit (not sure how many syns, let say 2)
S: apple and a banana
T: bachelors pasta n sauce (1syn)

Long day yesterday but still a good day :-)

B: apple, banana and blueberries with shape zero yoghurt
S: alpen light (1/2 HEb) mullerlight
L: small bowl of veggie soup, pasta n sauce (1syn) active yoghurt, 1 biscuit (1syn)
S: half bowl of pudding rice
T: half bowl of veggie soup, followed by pasta and curry sauce
S: 2 alpen light (HEb) mullerlight, hot choc made with HEa milk (2syns) a few crisps at pub 4 syns?!?

6 syns

 

So today is weigh in number 3, and I stayed the same. Slightly annoyed by it as I've too good this week. Ah well, keep going as they say.

 

Trying to sort some things out for the easter holidays. Got a few things planned for the next few months but fancy something a bit different. There's a few nice places around but don't know if it would make a fat lot of difference going on my own, probably make the lonliness that I feel now even worse, we shall see but it's nice to get away during the holidays and do stuff.

 

Anyways I won't depress myself with that even more on my nice, quiet day off.

 

Today so far:

 

B: scrambled eggs and baked beans

L: homemade veggie soup with 2x WW bread, (HEb) mullerlight cherry

Monday!

So I am doing so well this week and I'm excited again for a weigh in on Wednesday. Have been so good having veg soup for lunch and not going over syns! Today I have been on track but OMG I don't think my body knows what it wants today. Started the day off with a different breakie to normal (porridge) and then after my lunch of veggie soup I felt very full but quite sickly at the same time. Since then I have felt so hungry (suffer with low blood sugar so get shaky etc) but ever so full at the same time. Even now after my tea I am full to the brim but my stomach is gurgling away :-( Want today over with now.

My diary for the last 2 days as I don't believe I posted it yesterday.

Sunday: 2nd green day
S: apple
B: pudding rice with banana, half a mullerlight and blueberries
L: veg soup with butternut squash, swede, 1 parsnip, carrots, salt, pepper, garlic powder and curry powder.
left over pudding rice with blueberries
T: fish pie (cod 1HEb, peas, carrots, potato and swede mash, parsley sauce (2syns) topped with cheese (1HEa) mullerlight
S: mini apple and LF nat yoghurt
S: hot chocolate using remaining Hea milk (2 syns) and mini aero (5.5 syns)
S: Weetabix (HEb) biscuit (1syn)

10.5 syns for the day
Milk in tea HEa

Monday:

B: porridge HEb and a banana
L: veg soup with butternut squash, swede, parsnip, carrots, spring onion. Shape zero yoghurt
S: 1tbp of LF nat yoghurt, apple and handful of blueberries
S: tomato mug shot ( contemplated having this with lunch as soup is never enough for me but saved it for later)
S alpen light ( half HEb)
S: smash and baked beans (i coudn't wait any longer for food and needed something)
T: quorn chcken fillets covered in cous cous, pasta with curry sauce (mushy peas, tin toms and curry powder) banana and custard mullerlight

HEa milk in tea

Half term :-)

Well half term is here! It's been a long seven weeks and I'm glad of the break. Still have some stuff to do but can be done at leisure :-)

So this morning I decided to go shopping for new clothes. I hate what I wear to work and I always feel comfortable. My first mission was to get some to new trousers but to be honest they weren't what I wanted. I picked out a couple of dresses, a top and 3 pairs of trousers. None of the trousers fitted at a size 14 too! :-( The top too tight :-( but luckily the dresses fitted lovely. So after that I went somewhere else on a mission for more dresses! Ended up walking away with 3 more :-) Have always refused to spend loads on new work clothes as I never wear them anywhere else but I have decided that this time it doesn't matter. So now I have 5 beautiful new dresses to wear whenever. Have dumped the big, baggy and tatty trousers along with other tops that do not fit properly anymore! Can't wait to wear them for work. :-)

After the shopping trip I headed over to Aldi to stock up on veggies for some soup making.

Bought

2 swede
1 Broccoli
1 bag of carrots
1 bag of parsnips
1 butternut squash
1 bag of small apples

all of that for £3.34! Cannot complain.

So to end a relatively good day I did some work this afternoon looking at the steady progress my kids are making :-)

Finally it's half term, a nice (well i hope) week off :-)
Had a long day yesterday so no blog but food was relatively good. Went over on syns but only by about 3, but was under syns on wed so not all bad!

Today has been a good day :-)

B: weetabix
S: banana and strawberry mullerlight
L: apple, pasta mug shot and LF nat yoghurt
S: banana and mullerlight
T: sausage and bean casserole, was ok but leeks weren't cooked enough so left those out.

Contemplating changing from the extra easy plan to the green plan, I don't tend to have too much meat so might be worth switching over. Going to look at my books the weekend and see.

Anyways off shopping tomorrow for work clothes, I hate what I wear for work and always makes me feel awful. Half my clothes are big and baggy or i've had for years so time for new ones so i feel good about myself :-)

Weigh day number 2

Second weigh in after being back on track and I was another 1lb down, slightly sad it wasn't more after a good week but I can't complain. Whether its because I went over on syns yesterday but I had none on Monday I don't know but as loss is a loss and I'm only 12lb from the target weight I have set myself :-)

Today has been a good day, forgot bread for my soup so I spent the afternoon snacking on fruit as I was famished.

B: 2 rashers of bacon, 1 scrambled egg and spaghetti hoops
S: pear and a banana
L: soup (same as yesterdays tea) pineapple, 100g of mullerlight with blueberries
S: pear, apple, banana and activia yoghurt.
T: Jacket potato with bacon, baked beans and cottage cheese

Milk in tea (HEa)

For my tea I tried to be fancy and cut off the top of the jacket potato and scooped out the inside to add in the fillings but I should have waited for it to cook a bit more. Now it was nice but could have been better.

No syns for today as yet but maybe a small choc treat later? But also have my HEb to have so not sure as yet want to save up syns for the weekend, don't have plans but weekends are easier with extra syns :-)

Weigh in luming..

Well weigh in luming tomorrow, I am quite excited about it yet nervous as I have been so good this last week and eaten lots of super free foods. I am hoping for a 2lb loss taking me 11lbs off the target I have set myself :-)

Yesterday I finished off my day with a melted alpen light bar and a small amount of strawberry mullerlight. Was yummy, like granola. And then I had a whole load of grapes that I couldn't stop eating lol

So far today.
Tuesday:

S: 1 rich tea finger biscuits (1syn)
B: 2 weetabix (HEb)
S: pineapple, orange and banana
L: Pasta n Sauce (1syn) 100g mullerlight, orange, Alpen light (3syns)
S: Banana
T: soup made up of carrots, swede, 1 small potato, leeks and spring onions, 1 slice of bread (est 6syns) toffee mullerlight

11 syns so far
HEa Milk in tea


and as I have 14.5 syns remaining from yest I will be having a slice of weetabix cake later :-)

Debating...

A friend at work takes her daughter to a kick boxing lesson, her husband goes also. I have always wanted to do something like kick boxing and when I told her this she said she would find some information out for me. She told me today they are having a free open week so to speak in a couple of weeks and if I was still interested I should give my details. Now my only problem is that I do not want to attend on my own, i've just quit my current gym and this gym is further into town and costs double of what I'm paying now. Plus side is that you get the classes and access to the gym. Really can't decide on what to do :-(

Anyways, today has been a really good day so far. No syns as yet and half a HEb for later :-)

Monday:

B: apple, blueberries and LF nat yoghurt, 1 alpen light bar (1/2 HEb)
S: banana, apple and pineapple
L: jacket with baked beans, LF nat yoghurt for pud
S: apple, pineapple and grapes
T: potato and swede layered pie with extra lean beef, carrots, peas, sweetcorn, baked beans, passata and swede. (going to make extra swede to add to the small amount of mash I have.

HEa: Milk in tea

Sunday:

So Sunday was spent trying to find mullerlight yoghurts without them costing a fortune, luckily found them at the big tesco lol
Then trying to update the EYFS profile for each one of the my kids. I wanted to get done so I could lie in bed doing nothing but as soon as I did that I got bored and went back on the computer.

Spent 2 hours in the kitchen tonight (including time for eating) making a potato layer pie and then more rice pudding. This time with vanilla mullerlight instead of last nights toffee mullerlight. Was much nicer :-)

Food for today:
B: blueberries, apple, low fat nat yoghurt, 1 alpen light (half HEb)
L: left over soup from yesterday, danone activia
S: Weetabix cake with flora light (estimating 6 syns)
S: apple and pineapple
T: potato and swede layered pie with extra lean beef, carrots, peas, sweetcorn, baked beans, passata and swede. Rice pudding

(6 syns so far)

Yummy pudding!

Yummy pudding!
Had a yummy pudding tonight. Rice pudding, have a 2nd helping left over but think I will add a teaspoon of cocoa powder. There was something about the first one that wasn't quite right, still enjoyed though :-)
Ingredients: pudding rice, splenda, mullerlight and splash of milk :-)

Saturday

B: activia yoghurt, 2 rashers of bacon and 2 scrambled eggs
S: apple
L: 2 bread rolls with ham and butter (no idea on syns but no allowing any other syns for the day and having my HEb later)
S: activia yoghurt, grapes and banana slices with LF nat yoghurt
S: small bowl of smash as pre tea snack
T: soup (potato, leek, spring onion, carrots, parnsips, veg stock, salt and pepper) hopefully it will taste nice. apple, blackberries and LF nat yoghurt
S: pudding rice, muller yoghurt for a yummy rice pudding.

Milk in tea as HEa

Friday evening

Decided on tea which turned out to be a yummy fish pie made by moi :-) full of veg and around 3 syns.

And then I made a weetabix cake. Wasn't too sure on it begin with but the after taste now is lovely. And after reading a suggestion of adding butter to after I want more now lol

Probably about 6 syns for my big ish slice I guess?

Friday is here.

So Friday is here, my friend came up to me with excitement that she'd got into a smaller pair of trousers. For some reason this has spurred me on to keep me on track. So here goes;

S: 1 rich tea finger biscuit (1 syn)
B: apple, danone yoghurt and alpen light bar (1/2 HEb)
S: banana and a carrot
L: left over tomato soup from last night with pasta, danone yoghurt.
S: banana and mullerlight

Tea at the moment is undecided, I have had 1syn today only so a good day so far. Will trying, for what I hope will be a weetabix cake tonight so will need some syns for that.

Looking forward to a visit to see my nephew tomorrow! Will brighten up what will be a dull weekend.


Hope everyone is having a good friday.

Well last night went over syns, only by about 3. You know when you think I want to use my syns so I'll treat myself, couldn't think of what to have and then found a couple of things lol
Been feeling quite down these past 24 hours but striving through to the weekend. Just think I can't bothered with a lot of things at the moment but it's not affecting my slimming world.
So today,

Thursday:
S: 1 rich tea finger biscuit (1syn)
B: 2 quorn sausages, 2 rashers of bacon and baked beans.
S: apple and orange
L: mash, veg and half a chicken fillet from last night.
S: gingerbread man i decorated with the kids at worked. I did a demo and then couldn't not eat him (i guess around 3syns)
S: banana
T: tomato soup (passata, chopped tomatoes, baked beans, garlic powder, herbs and pepper all blended together) potato wedges.




Tomato Soup and Wedges















Milk (HEa)

4 syns so far.

Wednesday

Wednesday and half way through the week, 1lb down this morning. Went to visit a friend after school tonight so a late return home meant I didn't feel like cooking anything.

S: 1 rich tea finger biscuit (1syn)
B: 2 weetabix (HEb)
S: banana, orange and apple
L: jacket potato, LF cottage cheese and 3/4 of a mullerlight
S: 14g pack of raisins (2syns) banana and 2 oranges
T: bachelors pasta and sauce (1syn) mullerlight


S: milk in tea (1 x HEa) apple and danone activia

4 syns so far

Sunday:


B: bacon, eggs and 1 scrambled egg
L: Bachelors pasta and sauce - cheese, leek and ham (1 syn) Mullerlight
T: cottage pie with extra lean minced beef, peas, sweetcorn, carrots, celery, mash potatoes, roast potatoes and roasted parnsips with a little gravy (1 1/2 syns)

S: 1 rich tea finger biscuit (1 syn)
Pineapple with low fat natural yoghurt
Mullerlight
Chocolate m&ms (5 syns)

Milk in tea (HEa) 2 x alpen bar (1 HEb)

Monday:


S: 1 rich tea finger biscuit (1syn)
B: blueberries, apple and low fat nat yoghurt. 1 alpen light bar (1/2 HEb)
S: pineapple and banana
L: T: cottage pie with extra lean minced beef, peas, sweetcorn, carrots, celery, mash potatoes with a little gravy (1 syn) Mullerlight, orange
S: Banana, blueberries, apple and cherry activia yoghurt.
T: jacket potato, mixed veg including carrots, peas and sweetcorn, carrots, brocolli, cabbage and quorn chicken with gravy (2 syns) mullerlight

S: pineapple, shape delights (5.5 syns)
alpen light bar (1/2 HEb)
1 rich tea finger biscuit (1syn)
milk in tea (1 x HEa)

10 and 1/2 syns


Tuesday: (so far)


S: 1 rich tea finger biscuit (1syn)
B: blueberries, apple and low fat nat yoghurt.
S: 1 alpen light bar (1/2 HEb) and banana
L: pasta, quorn pieces with beans, ww toffee yoghurt
S: pear, apple, mini heroes fudge (2syns)
T: mash potato, mixed veg including carrots, peas and sweetcorn, carrots, brocolli, cabbage and half a chicken fillet with gravy (2 syns) activia yoghurt
S: milk in tea (1 x HEa)
S: alpen light (1/2 HEb)
S: rocky bar (5.5 syns) apple and spoonful of mullerlight, biscuit (2 syns)

12.5 syns

Diary posts!

Here I will be posting my food diarys. I will hopefully be taking pictures of meals as and when I can to share :-)