Friday 27 May 2011

Fate

Let's start on a positive note by saying that right now I could not be happier with things right now, which I don't think I've actually said for the last 6 months.

A month ago I found myself feeling in such a way that I couldn't carry on much longer, I was down and felt like I was depressed. Friends had cancelled plans on me and found myself facing 3/4 days on my own (which if you think of spending that amount of time going nowhere and seeing noone it's not very nice) I then made a trip to Derby which I suppose has changed my life (and in some ways those cancelled plans was meant to happen)

I made a decision to apply for teaching positions in the Derby area and if successful I would to the area to be with friends. To begin with I was only going to move if I was successful at application but as time went on I knew I couldn't face any longer than the next few months of being at home. The only thing for me here is family and my job, my job can be changed and my family will always be there wherever I am. So I then played with the idea of moving to the Derby area even if unsuccessful at application and would do supply work (even though it wasn't my most favoured idea) Then I was luckily invited to 3 interviews and amazingly I was successful on my 3rd application, even though I felt the interview didn't go as well as the others. I have suffered many knock backs over the years and to be honest I still find it hard to believe someone has picked me to work at their school (my previous school positions I was never interviewed for) hearing the words 'we were really impressed' I actually thought 'me really? are you sure?' I don't often receive many positive comments about myself, which is probably the reason for my lack of hope and confidence I have.

So now after being offered a permanent position I can make the move comfortably and can feel safe with a steady income. I cannot tell you how excited I am, my lack of sleep this week has showed this.

Finally, I made the decision not to tell a lot of people about what I was doing, those who needed to know for whatever reason were told. I've made the mistake in the past of telling everyone, knowing I had to deal with telling them all I had been unsuccessful. I then felt I didn't want to jinx any of what I was doing. 

And on one last note, thought I would get all this down in a blog as I've backed off from people talking about it as I'm sure they are sick of hearing all about it! Roll on early July where I have a jam packed schedule and the final 6/7 weeks will fly by, it can't come soon enough.

Wednesday 4 May 2011

Anxiety

My anxiety seems to be getting worse these days, I wish I could stop it. No matter what goes on I seem to constantly think and panic about it. I was having a good day today until someone came to me with some good news (similiar news that I am waiting on too) and since then it's been back again.

I'm also finding that I'm trying to tell some people how I feel but they don't really seem to understand or get that how I am feeling is worse than what they're thinking! When you just want to talk to someone about it but they're just not getting it no matter what you say.

I'm so focused on what I want right now that I'm afraid of failing. I have to accept that what will be will be, but I can't help but feeling that this isn't enough!

Going to find the effort to drag myself away from the computer, it's actually my life right.

Apologies to all those who are sick of me moaning ;-) I don't feel sad just all over the place.