Going too slow.

Well it's all going way too slow at the moment. I'm counting down the days when I'm not sat in my bedroom on my own all weekend. I find it quite weird though that if I were here on my own and had free range of the house I wouldn't feel so sad. But I'm trying to push through and not moan about it too much.

The end of half term is upon us and back to work tomorrow :-) I have enjoyed the holidays til well about Thursday. Spent the first 5 days catching up with friends and getting to know some new ones. Also got to spend the day with Charlie, he's growing so fast and now starting to speak, of course you cannot tell what he is saying lol but it's the cutest thing when he tries to copy what you say. 

Managed to make a start getting a few bits and pieces ready to start moving into my own place, I've still got 2 months at least and haven't even found anywhere yet but wanted to make a start and keep an eye for some good bargains :-) It's all too exciting. Spent some time listing my worldly goods on ebay to try and make a few quid, I'm hoping that and a few extra paid hours at work will fund any fees or deposits I need to make in the near future.

I'm also thinking of a dear family member who is unwell at the moment, (this is where I get all god like lol damn brainwashing lol ) keeping him in my thoughts and prayers that everything is ok for him. 

Fate

Let's start on a positive note by saying that right now I could not be happier with things right now, which I don't think I've actually said for the last 6 months.

A month ago I found myself feeling in such a way that I couldn't carry on much longer, I was down and felt like I was depressed. Friends had cancelled plans on me and found myself facing 3/4 days on my own (which if you think of spending that amount of time going nowhere and seeing noone it's not very nice) I then made a trip to Derby which I suppose has changed my life (and in some ways those cancelled plans was meant to happen)

I made a decision to apply for teaching positions in the Derby area and if successful I would to the area to be with friends. To begin with I was only going to move if I was successful at application but as time went on I knew I couldn't face any longer than the next few months of being at home. The only thing for me here is family and my job, my job can be changed and my family will always be there wherever I am. So I then played with the idea of moving to the Derby area even if unsuccessful at application and would do supply work (even though it wasn't my most favoured idea) Then I was luckily invited to 3 interviews and amazingly I was successful on my 3rd application, even though I felt the interview didn't go as well as the others. I have suffered many knock backs over the years and to be honest I still find it hard to believe someone has picked me to work at their school (my previous school positions I was never interviewed for) hearing the words 'we were really impressed' I actually thought 'me really? are you sure?' I don't often receive many positive comments about myself, which is probably the reason for my lack of hope and confidence I have.

So now after being offered a permanent position I can make the move comfortably and can feel safe with a steady income. I cannot tell you how excited I am, my lack of sleep this week has showed this.

Finally, I made the decision not to tell a lot of people about what I was doing, those who needed to know for whatever reason were told. I've made the mistake in the past of telling everyone, knowing I had to deal with telling them all I had been unsuccessful. I then felt I didn't want to jinx any of what I was doing. 

And on one last note, thought I would get all this down in a blog as I've backed off from people talking about it as I'm sure they are sick of hearing all about it! Roll on early July where I have a jam packed schedule and the final 6/7 weeks will fly by, it can't come soon enough.

Anxiety

My anxiety seems to be getting worse these days, I wish I could stop it. No matter what goes on I seem to constantly think and panic about it. I was having a good day today until someone came to me with some good news (similiar news that I am waiting on too) and since then it's been back again.

I'm also finding that I'm trying to tell some people how I feel but they don't really seem to understand or get that how I am feeling is worse than what they're thinking! When you just want to talk to someone about it but they're just not getting it no matter what you say.

I'm so focused on what I want right now that I'm afraid of failing. I have to accept that what will be will be, but I can't help but feeling that this isn't enough!

Going to find the effort to drag myself away from the computer, it's actually my life right.

Apologies to all those who are sick of me moaning ;-) I don't feel sad just all over the place.

What difference a day makes...

And it sure does! Had such an awful start to the weekend and was feeling very upset in my last blog. But from then I had an ok saturday just pottering around the house although still found myself somewhat bored. This weekend will no doubt be identical as Mom and Dad are away again, luckily they're leaving Benji here so shall be living it up with him this weekend! ;-)

Sunday I spent the day in Derby. Visited a lovely health club where we made use of free facilities for the day, a lovely outside swimming pool, felt like I was a million miles away. After a bit of milling around and debating on a random trip to see our latest favourites ;-) went for a lovely sunday lunch with two special people...i'm sure they will LOL if they read this!

Since Sunday I have contemplated making a drastic change in my life, for now I will not say what this is in case it doesn't all happen for me. If it does I believe it will be the best and biggest change I could ever make. Watch this space....is all I will say.

For now we have a day at work tomorrow, luckily it's own clothes day (never feels like a real day then) and then it's back to four days off. It'll all be relatively quiet but have a few bits to do.

Changing just like that

It's amazing how one thing can change your emotions just like that, within a split second. Gone from crazily crying to be happy back to feeling unhappy again in about 16 hours.

I can't even describe how I'm feeling at the moment, totally fed up and not enjoying my own company. I used to be able to spend a whole weekend like this pottering around the house doing whatever now I'm sat at my computer not knowing what to do with myself until bedtime. There's no need for me to go out, there's noone to go and see, I've no doggy to go and walk, there's nothing to do around the house that would take more than 30 minutes to do until I'm back to square one. Doesn't help today that I got up and dressed quickly as our neighbour is doing something to our driveway so had to at least be dressed and looked half decent. Now the morning is on go slow. Wanted to go for a walk to kill a few hours but as I walked so far yesterday my shoes are hurting me (whichever pair I wear)

Tonight I was meant to meeting up with those who I'm going on holiday with, I can't even call them friends as I don't even know them much. Met them like twice? (apart from 1 who I've known and worked with for years) been hanging on all week for a decision about us meeting and then find out for definate this morning after many messages that it's not happening. Ok for them they've got their lives to lead what does it matter? Now trying to arrange another time to meet up, god knows when that will happen as plans are always changing left, right and centre. (3 lots of plans this holiday but only 1 happened with all of us) It annoys me as I never cancel on plans I make (once when I was unwell), it's always everyone else. I understand that things happen but to be honest it seems all the time at the moment.  But again it makes no difference to them but to me it does, just leaves me sat at home on my own.

Work is back in on Wednesday but even that doesn't fill me with excitement at the moment, but at least i'm out the house and get to see some of my friends and they can't cancel on me, probably why I enjoy it so much. I have some planning that needs doing, maybe I could do that? I really haven't got the enthusiasm for it.

Best get on with doing nothing and try and get this bitterness out of me. Hope everyone is enjoying the sunshine and their day.

Laters.

Thursday

So a week on from when I decided to give myself a kick up the backside slimming world wise and a it's a week done good. Even with drinking lots on saturday night and eating pizza and doughballs at pizza express on Tuesday the scales showed a 1lb off this morning. Slowly going in the right direction. Only 10lb to go for my first mini target.

Still feeling so slightly down about things, I'm ready to get back into the routine of things with work etc. Can't wait to skip these next few days where I'm gonna be home alone from friday to monday, where i'm just sorting out my planning and job application forms. Hate that I can't really make any plans with anyone where it's not gonna cost me £££ to get there or do something. Supposed to have plans on saturday but that's not looking possible and having to wait to hear about it :-/ Moaning about it a lot on twitter really helps in some ways but if i had to read my tweets I'd be sick of reading the same things by now. I often feel it's good just to get it out there or a way of letting people know without actually have to admit it if that makes sense?

Anyways not much else to report, managaed to get a few bits and bobs for holidays on Tuesday when I went to Manchester. 2.5 hours in Primark pretty much killed me lol. Was also able to look after Charlie these last few days, he's growing up so fast and seeing his little face makes me very happy.

x

A long while!

So it's been 2 months since I've last done one of these. A lot has happened since I last blogged, most of which I won't go into. In honesty it was toughest thing that I have ever gone through and at times I was very much at breaking point and felt like I was at the lowest point in my life. Luckily I had family and 1 or 2 others who really helped me through it.

Slimming World has been going ok, I now stick to it as I enjoy the way the plan works. Eating healthy. If I can lose a few lbs in the process then jobs a good un.

Right now I am on my Easter holidays. Now usually I don't enjoy the holidays that we get, I find myself sat on my own doing sod all being very lonely. I have found until yesterday that I was enjoying my time off but for the last 24 hours I have not been able to shake off this feeling of just wanting to burst in to tears, part of me can't work out why I'm feeling this way but I am really hoping it will pass as I shouldn't spend my life feeling this down. I have tried thinking of all the things that should make me happy but it's not controlling my wanting to break down and cry'

Well hopefully I can update this more, even if noone is reading this, in part it helps me to air how I feel.

Goodbye for now.